Babysitting is a Many Splendoured Thing
by DarthRuinous
Summary: Anakin Skywalker asks a close friend to babysit for his and Padme's sixth anniversary. Things may not quite go as foreseen. Light-hearted (for me anyway) AU setting.
1. Bargains Struck

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Babysitting is A Many-Splendored Thing

"No, no. It's not Coo-sant. It's Coruscant."

"COO-sant!"

He pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. "Why do I even try?"

"I don't know. I don't bother anymore." The newcomer, returned from the refresher, stepped into the office with a jaunty grin, and the tiny girl let out a squeal of joy and launched herself against his sturdy legs. Anakin Skywalker, Jedi Knight, reached down and picked his daughter up, spinning her in a circle.

"Maybe you should. She might actually be able to pronounce her own homeworld," Palpatine's dry advice went unnoticed, as usual, as Anakin dropped into one of the guest chairs and plopped Leia on his lap.

"Nah, Padme does the teaching. I do the fun stuff," Anakin laughed. "Speaking of fun stuff, Chancellor, our sixth anniversary is coming up."

He refused to read anything into Anakin's lifted eyebrow and reached for a datapad. "Congratulations."

Anakin jiggled his daughter, and she erupted into a fountain of giggles. "Thanks! You know I like to do something nice for Padme on our anniversaries."

"I'm not babysitting again, Anakin. Your attempts at subterfuge are painfully inadequate."

The long war usually shone through Skywalker's tired eyes, but not today. Today he was rejuvenated and reminded Palpatine of the fresh innocent before the war began. Padme did wonders for the boy. And also kept him annoyingly close to the Light.

Anakin's eyes gleamed with a perverse delight as he studied the politician. "But you know we don't have anyone else. Obi-Wan flatly turned me down, and if I asked Ahsoka, she's worse than they are. It'd be a steaming pile of bantha-"

"Please," Palpatine raised his hands. "There are young ears present, Anakin." _And old ones._ Simple expedience had kept Anakin in the ranks of the Jedi. They needed him, more than he knew. And like it or not, if the Council had expelled the Chosen One in the middle of the Clone Wars, when trillions of the galaxy's inhabitants looked to him as their personal warrior in white, well then… Usually any publicity was better than none, but not in this case.

Palpatine thought back. Anakin's marriage, leaked by the Sith Lord three years ago in one of his myriad attempts to drive Skywalker to the Dark Side, had only strengthened in the adversity of war. Palpatine was playing a long game now. Honestly, he had expected to have the boy much sooner. He had expected a far different future.

Skywalkers…bah.

Not everything was unpleasant, though. The Republic still fawned over his leadership and ate from his hand, thanks to excellent propaganda and the slow advance of the Republican front lines. And Padme had left the Senate to tend to her children and take a less dangerous role on Naboo for the sake of her family.

Of course, imbeciles like Mon Mothma and Bail Organa still yelped about unconstitutional powers in the Senate, but as the years passed and Palpatine failed to morph into the monster they foretold, their inept squealing garnered less and less attention. Besides, on the surface level, his powers were entirely legal. Interpretation and intent belonged to the jurisdiction of the court justices, and they were firmly in his pocket.

Also on the plus side: Anakin had twins.

They burned brightly in the Force. Padme refused to give them over to the Order, and Anakin backed her one hundred percent. With Palpatine pushing the approval of the Senate, the Council had folded and not forced the issue.

Which explained why Leia was now toddling around his office and giggling up at the unique statuary. He did not require his foresight to see what was coming next. "Anakin," he rumbled, and the Jedi knight reached out with the Force and caught the hooded figure as it plunged from its plinth.

"You really need to work on your baby-proofing," Anakin said.

"This. Is. My. Office," Palpatine grated, favoring him with a rare scowl. "Not a nursery, might I remind you."

"Well, couldn't you keep them at your apartments, just for this afternoon and tonight?" Over the years, Anakin had perfected the pleading note that now infused his question. The young Jedi widened both eyes. "I'll owe you one."

"You 'owe' me two already, Anakin."

He had the brilliant idea once, of insinuating himself into the lives of the twins as a grandfatherly figure, someone that they could always turn to in times of trouble. He regretted it lately, particularly ever since the pair had reached two standard years of age. _I see now why the Sith do not take children as apprentices._ His patience would be legendary among the Sith, but even Darth Sidious had limits.

Anakin was still staring at him, waiting, expectant. Leia tripped over to his desk and blinked up at him.

The things he did to rule the galaxy…

"All right."

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

 **A silly AU in which the Clone Wars last a little longer than 3 short years (this is set in the sixth year). I'm aiming for light-hearted, which I haven't done in ages. This is dedicated to Brievel, as this idea developed out of our conversations.**

 **It's interesting, but I've always considered that Palpatine is similar to Franklin Delano Roosevelt, in the sense of staying in power long after what was considered proper in part due to and being boosted in popularity by hardship (Great Depression) and a war (WWII).**

 **I see this universe's Palpatine as a brilliant but hapless fellow who tries his hardest to turn Anakin Skywalker to the Dark Side every chance he gets, but Anakin just blithely strides through all his attempts like a cheerful bull in a china shop and pawns his kids off on the "kindly" chancellor whenever he and Padme want to have grown-up time to themselves.**

 **He's going to kill me. Again.**

 **Stay tuned.**


	2. What the Youngling Wants, It Gets

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Chapter 2: What the Youngling Wants, the Youngling Gets

Of course Anakin and Padme had shown up an entire standard hour earlier than expected, the two of them shuffling into his office like greysors caught in the voorpak pen. Of course Leia instantly settled herself on his lap. Of course Luke went straight for the captain of his guard and demanded his helmet. Of course Anakin had a fantastically transparent excuse for why he and Padme really needed to catch the next Mag-lev train out of the Senate District.

And naturally, he now sat an hour later with a pile of datapads, each with their own Very Important Deadlines, and two gundarks-in-training roaming loose around his office.

"I wanna shu-cream!"

That was new.

Palpatine stared blankly down at Leia. She stood in front of his desk, tiny right foot tapping impatiently, chubby hands propped on her sides, her hair in miniscule little buns (Padme's fashion sense was really going), reminding him of her mother during one of her Senate tantrums.

"Wanna shu-cream!"

Dear departed Sith Lords. "A what?" He glanced at the Senate Guard at the far end of the room, but the coward stayed perfectly still behind his mask.

Suddenly, Luke appeared at his side, one of Palpatine's prized fossils from Mandalore in his right hand. _Is that…saliva?_ "She wans a Shuura-cream," he pronounced carefully. "I do too."

For a moment they just looked at each other, then Palpatine sighed. "Well, _that's_ different then." Where was he expected to find the sugary Naboo treat on Coruscant?

His sarcasm passed over their tiny heads, and now both Luke and Leia were wriggling in place with their excitement. He imagined seeing Anakin the next day, the words that would come from his mouth with deadly seriousness. _I babysat your infernal spawn. Now, you turn to the Dark Side. It's only fair._

But no, the galaxy spiraled on and continued to mock his efforts to turn the Chosen One. Honestly, if Skywalker weren't potentially the most powerful Force user in existence, Palpatine would have long ago conquered the Republic and set up his Empire. Unfortunately, extremely powerful did not always correlate with extremely intelligent (like it did with himself), and Anakin continued to blissfully remain an ignorant tool of the Jedi Council.

There came a tug on his robes. He glanced down. Leia smiled, suddenly much closer. "Shu-cream now?"

 _We may have a delicate situation here, and I'm not certain it can be overcome._ "Leia, I'm afraid you shall have to wait until you return to Naboo. We are on Coruscant," and here he subtly stressed the second syllable, "and Coruscant doesn't have Shuura Creams."

Her lower lip quivered.

"Dex has 'em," Luke piped up. "I like Dex!"

The little princess's eyes lit up. "Me too! Me too!"

"That abominable excuse for a restaurant?" Palpatine said before he could stop himself. What was Anakin thinking, feeding his children at places like Dex's Diner? And Padme for letting him… Many years of that, and they'd be working up a sweat just lifting a lightsaber… Not if he had anything to say about it. After all, they were his future apprentices. He ran a hand through his silver hair. "I think you would much rather prefer a meal prepared by my personal chef back at 500 Republica."

It was truly remarkable how human children could attain such decibels when alarmed.

"NOOOOOO! WE WANT DEX!"

In stereo. Lovely.

"Dex! Dex! Dex!" Now they were feeding off each other, evil little gleams in their bright eyes. He took a deep breath and summoned all the gravitas and power of his office.

"That will be quite sufficient. I am going to take us back to 500 Republica, where we will eat food that is far less likely to leave gaping holes in your intestines."

Luke's eyes shot to the size of small moons, and he looked ready to capitulate then and there, but Leia was another matter entirely. Her eyes narrowed, and she put both hands on her tiny waist. "I wanna vote of no Confint."

What by Korriban had Padme been teaching this child? "You aren't old enough to call a Vote of No Confidence," he told her. "Let alone understand it. And you are, by all accounts, at least a decade from reaching the Senate."

"I want one," she insisted, ignoring his logic with perfect aplomb.

Aghast, he scrambled for an appropriate response. "Well, this isn't a democracy, young lady." What his political enemies would not give for that soundbite! "And what I say, goes."

Anakin's daughter paused, and he could see the gears grinding in her spry little mind. If demands proved ineffective, then alternative methods were clearly required. Palpatine winced as she unveiled her master plan.

"No. No, you will _not_ cry. Do you hear me? Such an infantile tactic will not be tolerated."

His pleas – no, his _commands_ – fell on deaf ears. And then Luke joined in, sensing his weakness. They were like Anoobas, scenting blood on the air. As the Supreme Chancellor of the Republic, Palpatine had faced down countless indignant senators in his illustrious career. As Dark Lord of the Sith, Sidious had wrangled the fates of trillions. As Anakin's friend and mentor, he could not handle the sight of sobbing three year olds and the pitying look his guard was giving him. If he were not careful, he would snap.

And explaining to Anakin how his children had died would not go well. Not at all.

"All right!" He threw up his hands and pushed back from the desk. "Very well, we'll go. But I want you both on your best behavior."

"We promise!" Luke said, bouncing in place and then latching onto his shiny left boot with both arms. "Thank you, thank you!"

Dragging Luke along, the boy chuckling and squealing all the way with inexplicable pleasure, Palpatine gathered up a case of his most important datapads and debriefings. With a little luck (and maybe the malevolence of the Dark Side), he could get some work done in his apartments once the twins were asleep. He glanced at the guard. "Clear the area for Dex's Diner. We'll be departing shortly."

"Sir!" The guard ducked out through the main doors, likely glad to escape. Envy was unbecoming, Palpatine reflected, but he felt it anyway. Reaching to place his Gran ceremonial wind drum back on its pedestal (How had it gotten on the floor?), he noticed a tug on his robes. Leia stood at his side, her precocious scowl nowhere in sight. Instead, she looked quite pleasant. A tingle of foreboding ran up his spine.

"I like Dex!" Leia said shyly and beamed up at him. "An' I like you too, Palpy!"

Force preserve him…

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

 **Ah, Leia, you've got your godfather Palpatine wrapped around your little finger… Hardly. He'll be traumatized for life, and I am having way too much fun with this silliness.**

 **And they're off to Dex's!**


	3. Didn't Your Mother Ever Teach You?

When one could call himself the most powerful man in the galaxy, certain benefits abounded, chief among them the delightful ability to have an entire level of Coruscant's Coco Town cleared of its citizens.

When he was a young Sith Lord, drunk on the raw power of the Dark Side, the underworlds and denizens of the galaxy intrigued him. Now they were just a rabble of irritation to him.

The small diner did not lie far from the Senate District, and the flight over consisted of Luke and Leia recounting almost every hideous detail of Dex's menu. Palpatine considered it a bad sign that they had it memorized.

When the Chancellor's private shuttle touched down on the tarmac, necks stretched and eyestalks extended as the distant crowds tried to catch a glimpse of the famous trio. Standard security cleared an area of roughly two hundred meters in all directions, so Palpatine and his charges enjoyed a hassle-free entry to the small diner.

Palpatine had been here once before in his life as a young, unknown senator exploring Coruscant with Sate Pestage and Kinman Doriana. It looked the same as ever, dingy and loud and so very… pedestrian. His Senate guards positioned themselves silently around the perimeter. The kitchen had already been thoroughly combed over and inspected by security.

"Chancellor! It's an honor, sir, to have ya here!" Dex, four arms raised and hideous mouth cracked in a wide smile, stepped out from behind the counter. "We're grateful fer yer patronage."

Palpatine turned on his most public smile, the one that plastered itself across hundreds of news channels every week. "I apologize for any inconvenience we may be causing you, Master Dex, but you have very loyal customers," he waved down at the twins.

"Luke! Leia! How're my favorite little humans?" Dex rolled a belly laugh, and the children launched forward into his multiple arms with squeals of delight.

"Palpy's the best!" Leia told him, matter of fact. "Gonna eat here."

"Well now," Dex feigned surprise. "I have loyal customers, Chancellor, but you have loyal constituents. Training 'em up right for the future, eh?"

Palpatine kept his gaze politely formal. Just because he was babysitting Anakin's children did not give this monstrosity the right to speak so freely. "It would seem we are in dire need of Shurra-Creams, Master Dex. Might you indulge us?"

"An' Crunchy Crooks," Luke grinned.

 _What?_ "I don't think-"

"An' fried Gran Bites!" Leia chimed in.

"It's all the best in Coco Town!" Dex chuckled, and shrugged innocently when Palpatine turned a sharp eye on him. "I'll be in the kitchen, while you decide," the alien hedged and disappeared into the hazy depths of his diner. Coward, or a wise man. Maybe both. The droid waited behind, its faintly feminine hands perched on its hips.

"I don't think you need a full meal here, Leia," Palpatine said. "A Shurra-Cream should be quite large enough."

"Da lets us," Leia insisted. "He says we'll grow big an' strong!"

 _Your father is mistaken… about a great many things. Big like a Hutt perhaps, on this swill._ He took in a long breath and released it in a sigh. "My dear girl, we came for a Shurra-Cream, and that is simply what we shall have… Leia?"

She abandoned him for the shelf of small toys on display next to the counter, plastering her hands on the greasy surface and peering in with a wide grin. "I wan' one of these!" she jabbed her finger at a small bright purple podracer.

"Really, that's just a blatant attempt to get you spending more credits. It will be in a thousand pieces by the time we get back…" Palpatine trailed off as Luke now joined Leia at the display. Their excitement and… and… _greed…_ radiated off their tiny bodies. He straightened, a smirk playing at the corners of his mouth.

 _Well, it's never too early, I suppose._ "But then again, it would be remiss of me to not support our local businesses," he muttered, and turned faintly glowing eyes on the droid. It's photo-receptors whirred as it registered his attention. "Two of those…those..?"

"Joy Dinners?" the droid volunteered.

"Yes. _Those._ " What a ridiculous name, and he was not going to be caught dead or alive speaking such inanities.

"What'll ya have to drink, honey?" the droid chirped as it placed the order.

 _Let's start with a nice spicy cocktail of complete and utter destruction, shall we? Starting with your smug face._ "Shaak-milk for the children please, and nothing for me."

"Have a seat then, we'll be right out!" The droid rolled away with a cheerful wave, and he turned from the counter with a very low growl. Luke and Leia glanced up, and he produced an instant smile. "Charming staff. Where would we like to sit?"

"Booth!" Luke shouted.

"Table!" Leia shouted louder.

"Booth," Luke shouted back.

Leia's eyes narrowed. The Force trembled. "Table."

Luke's eyes glazed over. "Table?"

Palpatine found it hard to breathe for the laughter that was bubbling up in his throat, but he suspected a maniacal cackle might be hard to explain to the press. He seized on the chance, striding powerfully toward the booth and chiding Leia as he took her hand. "Now, now, you should know better than to do that to your brother."

She glared up at him, and Palpatine carefully kept his expression scrubbed of any tacit approval. He could feel her resentment in the Force. "…," she muttered. "Sorry, Luke."

Luke was already happy again, clambering up onto the seat. "S'okay, Leia. I forgive you!" 

Sickeningly sweet. The boy either had the gentle patience of a grand master, or he was slow on the uptake. Palpatine worried about that one's future sometimes.

The three of them sat in relative peace while the food was prepared. Palpatine watched the two children quietly bat a packet of briddling sauce back and forth across the smooth surface. It was in moments like these that he almost missed Maul.

Of course, Maul's upbringing had been nothing like this. He wondered if Maul would have even glanced at the toys in the display. _Definitely not._ Anakin and Padme were raising their children entirely too softly, but that made it easy for corruption to set in, he supposed. Soon enough they would graduate to wanting video games, then speeders, then who knew what else.

The droid rolled out of the back room with several trays. "Here ya go, honey!" it sang to him and squeezed his shoulder in a matronly way as it departed. He nearly reduced it to slag for the presumption, but resisted.

Luke and Leia tucked into their meals with wild abandon. He marveled that more food – if it could be called that – could end up on the table and floor than in their mouths. Suddenly, Leia stopped and held up a long, greasy stick of… he peered closely. Some sort of starch, it seemed.

"Have one!" Leia grinned. "Crunchy Crook!"

"Oh no, no, my dear, you enjoy it for the both of us," his large nose twitched at the revolting smell. She moved it closer. He pinched it tentatively between his thumb and forefinger before she could shove it down his throat. "Thank you."

Of course, she was not content to go back to eating until he did what she wanted. Maybe he could pretend to eat it? No, he could feel her watching in the Force too. What a precocious youngling… He took a deep breath. _I hope you're happy, Anakin, wherever you've fled. No, actually, I hope you are experiencing acute agony._

The first bite was slimy and cold, what should have been hot, and he nearly hissed with his displeasure. But Leia smiled at him, and he smiled back.

"Exquisite," he lied through his teeth.

"Nooo!" The cry pulled his attention to the other twin. Luke waved one hand in the air in clear distress. "I dropped it," he whimpered.

"You've got a dozen more on your plate," Palpatine tried to encourage him, but Luke would not be consoled. He twisted and turned on the booth, peering down into the blackness underneath. Palpatine could feel Dex's eyes peeking curiously around the corner of the kitchen. What a tale he would have for his friends.

As Luke draped himself over his seat, trying to find his missing food, Palpatine looked away for a moment when Leia pawed at his sleeve with a greasy hand. When he glanced back, his mouth fell open. Luke had tilted his little head and spotted his target. With no fanfare he reached down and scooped the slippery morsel into his hungry maw.

"Do you have any idea what has oozed itself across that floor in the last twenty-four hours?" Palpatine demanded, fighting back the undignified gag flex in his throat.

Luke giggled and opened his mouth. Palpatine tugged ruthlessly at the strings of his self-control and focused his power, closing his eyes. Three levels below, a hapless Rodian choked on his eel-tail soup and collapsed.

"That's really… not very polite," he told the boy, marginally holding on now that his anger had found a release. "Chew with your mouth closed, Luke."

"Look!" Leia pulled at his sleeve. "I made a neck'lace." She had squished the ends of her Crunchy Crooks together to form a loose ring around her plate and was now attempting to pick it up and place it around her neck. A portion, no longer crunchy, dropped into her lap.

Palpatine sighed. What had he done to deserve this?

 **Three year olds are truly unique, blessed with the Force or not. And when given food, may the galaxies beware! What other trouble will our intrepid trio get into this fateful evening? Do I sense a trip to Pets 'n Pieces?**

 **Review, and let me know what you think of this madness.**


	4. Harried and Hounded

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Chapter 4: Harried and Hounded

After the fiasco at Dex's Diner drew to a close, thank the Force, Palpatine found himself herding the two toddlers back toward the shuttle. Unfortunately, Luke spotted the small park only three city blocks away, and there was no stopping the madcap rush of both twins when they saw the brightly colored youngling playground.

The gently decaying park was mostly deserted, and his guards quickly established a perimeter, removing a few humanoid stragglers. Leia took his hand and dragged him across the green expanse toward the swings.

"Push me," Leia demanded, climbing in, and he complied without thinking, shoving the swing forward each time she floated into reach. He quite failed to see the point of swings and always had. As a tiny boy on Naboo, he had often pondered the uselessness of so much energy expelled with so little to show for it.

After all, progress was the name of the game.

But Leia seemed perfectly content with the back-and-forth motion, and Palpatine found himself drifting quietly on the currents of the Force while Luke dashed with a shout to the magnetic lift wheel-go-round. One of his guards followed, and the boy cajoled him into pushing it. This little detour could actually be quite useful if the twins managed to wear themselves out. He might yet get something accomplished this evening.

In his meditative state, Palpatine heard the crunch of footsteps behind him, and something jarred his momentary peace of mind.

"Women of the galaxy, take notice," the voice could only be described as a low croon. "Not only is he a silver tongue, but he's great with children too."

Palpatine felt his spine stiffen.

Not her.

Not today.

He turned rigidly to face Kakka Freetaan, the infamous Holonet reporter with the perfect golden hair and face, the product of multiple restorative surgeries. She stood with her ever-present datapad, her eyes bright and calculating, her press badge perfectly pinned to her ostentatious clothing. Behind her, a small news crew hovered with cameras and cam droids.

Palpatine sighed. Freedom of the Press really should be the next thing to go. He would have Amedda draft a manifesto and assign it to some hopeless senator's bill. No one would probably notice.

Freetaan beamed at him, blinding white teeth framed by garish red lipstick. "Chancellor," she cooed. "How perfectly lovely that you've brought the Skywalker children to this park. You know we've been trying to promote funding for its upkeep since it was damaged in that dreadful Bando Gora attack nine years ago."

"Have you?" Palpatine edged away and pushed Leia harder than he intended. In passing, she let out a squeal of delighted laughter that left him slightly deafened and rubbing at his right ear. "Commendable," he said. "I suppose it's rather difficult in wartime."

Freetaan was already ignoring him, turning to face the cam droids and beckoning toward the children. "As you can see, my devoted followers, Anakin Skywalker has clearly been claimed. But here! Here we have one of our most eligible bachelors now that Anakin Skywalker is officially off limits."

 _Oh._ He could see the gleam in her eyes, predatory and focused. "I really must insist-"

"Wealthy, powerful, and distinguished, ladies," Freetaan purred into her microphone. "What he lacks in youth he no doubt makes up for in experience." Palpatine's face went red. _Trapped. Like a rat._ "Who will be the first to set their hooks in this grand prize?" She turned toward him and lifted one elegant eyebrow. "Or does he already have his sights set? What do you say, Chancellor? Is there some fair maiden who has caught your eye? We are oh-so curious…"

He took a deep breath before he did something rash like blasting her with an incinerating volley of lightning. "I say that I really must be going, Madame. Duty calls." He motioned toward the twins; he was not above using Luke and Leia to get out of this. It was the least they could do for him.

Freetaan sighed. "So dedicated! Simply marvelous. What woman wouldn't line up for a chance at this, I ask you, my dear listeners?"

"Excuse me." He plucked Leia from her seat on the swing, ignoring a squawk of protest and turned and began walking in Luke's direction. The reporter slid after them with all the skill and slime of a Hutt crimelord, confident in the safety of her press badge.

"Supreme Chancellor, are the rumors true of a burgeoning relationship between you and your assistant Sly Moore?"

He stopped and glanced back, horrified. "What? No." He looked to one of his guards on the edge of the play area and nodded to him. Several began moving in. Never had he regretted making his office so transparent to the press. It was one thing to gain confidence, quite another to be hounded from place to place by rabid members of a profession loathed nearly as much as his own. He set Leia down in the grass before she could begin to sense his anger in the Force, and she raced right back to the swings. Of course.

Freetaan smiled like a gundark and persisted, "But you've been seen together in so many places. Your office, the opera, the Senate."

"As you intelligently pointed out," he ground his teeth for a moment and offered a pointed smile. "She is my _assistant._ I imagine it might be difficult to fulfill her responsibilities if she avoided me."

"Oh," she tittered. "Is that a little defensiveness I hear, Chancellor? Is it unrequited, is that it? Umbarans are _dreadfully_ closeminded after all. Don't worry, your secret is safe with me."

She was close to dying, public spectacle or not. Two of his guards pulled up on both sides of her and took her arms firmly in hand. She smiled brightly at them both. "Maybe these gentlemen have the inside scoop." To their credit, neither guard flinched.

He pivoted on his boot heel and moved toward Luke, who was still spinning around and around on the wheel. One of his guards stood close by, swaying gently from side to side. "Luke, we're leaving," he called.

Luke staggered off the wheel-go-round and straight up to Palpatine, where he promptly lost control of the meal from Dex's Diner and deposited it on the Chancellor's shiny black boots.

Palpatine blinked.

"Oops," Luke groaned.

Freetaan gasped, and a greysor in a pen of voorpaks could not have been more delighted. The flash of her cameraman's recorder went off in quick succession.

The Chancellor began silently counting backward in ancient Sith. The last ditch effort before he –

A new voice joined the madness. "I say, Luke, it looks like you've had a bit too much for an evening." Obi-Wan Kenobi was approaching from the far side of the park, chuckling. The Jedi master strolled to a stop in front of the entire group and offered a shallow bow to Palpatine. "I was in the neighborhood. In need of assistance, Chancellor?"

Palpatine watched him stroking his beard with calm and deeply amused Jedi detachment, and he realized that Kenobi didn't honestly expect "yes" for an answer. The two of them had never truly gotten along and in fact tended to avoid each other like the Blue Shadow Virus. Palpatine thought about it for a long moment and spotted a golden opportunity.

"Of course, Master Kenobi," he smiled brightly, much too brightly. "How kind of you to offer."

Kenobi's own smile faltered.

 _Hah_.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOO

 **Kakka Freetaan is an OC Holonet reporter of mine who wanders around Coruscant terrorizing politicians and Jedi alike. She's made a couple appearances in my stories. Well, our intrepid trio has gained a new member of the gang, quite unwillingly.**

 **Leave a review, as I would love to know what you think. What is that rascal of a Sith Lord up to now?**


	5. The Thing About Revenge

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Chapter 5: The Thing about Revenge

Kakka Freetaan turned bright eyes on the Jedi master from her place between his two guards. "Knock me down with a peko-peko feather," she exclaimed, delighted. "If it isn't our very own Obi-Wan Kenobi, dashing war hero of the Republic. Are you getting this on film?" she demanded of her camera man, a thin alien with entirely too many fingers.

"Yep," he replied, lazily bringing up the cam to focus squarely on the Jedi. Palpatine allowed a faint grin. Perhaps this could yet go to his satisfaction. He waved his guards back and watched as Freetaan cat-walked up to Kenobi.

"The unmatched half of the set, ladies and gentlemen. Tell me, Master Kenobi, how do you feel about Anakin Skywalker's marriage?"

Kenobi's impeccable Jedi calm was masking a rather blatant aversion in the Force. The faintly twitching mustache was his only outward giveaway. "You know that is Jedi business, Madame," he said. "The Order – "

She interrupted him with a cheerful squeal. "Oh, does this mean the Order is loosening its views on marriage in the ranks? You have to admit, it's a rather old-fashioned idea. And it takes soooo many eligible bachelors and bachelorettes off the list. I think my listeners would agree…it's time to get with the times."

Perfect. Palpatine decided to strike, commenting mildly from the side. "I think you give the Order far too little credit, Madame Freetaan. Have you spoken with the Duchess Satine Kryze of Mandalore? She has a rather unique relationship with the Jedi, and I feel perhaps a conversation with her might be most… illuminating."

Freetaan's jaw almost hit the floor when he spoke.

Obi-Wan's face lost nearly every drop of blood.

Palpatine smiled cheerfully at him. "I think it can safely be said that she is a personal friend to Master Kenobi. They have worked together in the past."

Beside him, Luke piped up, "Mama says she loves him!"

In that moment, Luke suddenly held far, far more potential than any other. Palpatine looked down in barely restrained amusement at his co-conspirator and forgave him in an instant for the state of his boots. Out of the mouths of younglings…

Kakka Freetaan looked as though she had lost the ability to breathe, but not due to any pain. Rather, the complete satisfaction of a predator scenting prey. The woman tossed her head of blonde curls and revealed her deadliest smile. "Is that so?" she tittered from behind one delicately manicured hand. She bent down, propping herself on her thin knees to look closely at Luke. "Little man, aren't you just darling! What else does Mama have to say?"

Still green and a little unsteady, Luke hid shyly behind Palpatine's robes. "Mama says don' talk to press people. Are you press people?"

"She mostly certainly is, Luke," Kenobi interjected with a sharp glance at the Chancellor. The look passed unseen by any other, and Palpatine carefully kept his own expression blank. Just an ignorant politician blindly muddling the waters, as usual.

Obi-Wan's narrow-mindedness toward Palpatine's kind made him swallow the excuse, but Palpatine could feel the perturbed longsuffering just under the surface.

Kakka Freetaan laughed and straightened, wobbling a little on her high heels in the soft grass. "I'm not just any press, Master Kenobi. I'd guess over three trillion beings watch my show regularly."

Kenobi's complexion was quickly matching Luke's, Palpatine noticed.

"Now, down to business. This is quite a startling admission from Anakin Skywalker's child, Master Kenobi," Freetaan said. "My listeners would like to know just what kind of work you and the Duchess did together."

His face going red under the light auburn beard, Kenobi offered slight bow. "I'm afraid that information is confidential."

Freetaan lit up with a low purr. "I'm sure it is, but the question is why…"

She winked. Kenobi stared. His horrified embarrassment rang through the Force.

"Perhaps the two of you should chat," Palpatine patted the Jedi master's shoulder and offered a sympathetic grin. "I'm sure I can manage the twins on my own, Master Kenobi."

Kenobi's mouth opened and snapped shut several times as Palpatine, the twins (Leia still protesting over the swings), and the guards moved out of the park toward the shuttle. The reporter ignored their exit, having found a priceless vein of juicy information, and she sidled closer to him, a large smile spreading across her perfect features. "Just the two of us," she said, reaching out to touch the bristling beard.

Then: "Wait up, Your Excellency!" And Kenobi came trotting after them, looking like he had single-handedly lost the Clone Wars. He barely met Palpatine's gaze, muttering, "It wouldn't feel right, offering to help and then not."

Misery loved company, and Kenobi liked babysitting the twins no more than the Sith Lord did. Petty revenge, perhaps, but… There really was no better feeling than setting up a scenario in which either outcome was equally to his favor, Palpatine mused as the Jedi fell into step beside him, and Luke and Leia dashed ahead.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Until it fell apart.

"I brought SweetLand!" Luke shouted, pulling the Naboo child's game from his travel bag and waving it excitedly in the air. The pieces rattled inside ominously. "Let's play!"

 _Let's not._ Palpatine sighed at the exact same moment as Obi-Wan Kenobi, and they exchanged surprised, slightly guilty glances. _That_ wasn't supposed to happen.

After Palpatine had switched out his boots for a pair not covered in Dex's cooking, they stood inside the living room of one of the finest apartment suites that 500 Republica could offer, surrounded by Palpatine's priceless collection of fine arts. The guards had retired to the doors, doubtless relieved to have the twins corralled in one place and assuring the Chancellor that they would be on hand to assist.

Obi-Wan looked distinctly uncomfortable standing in the lair of that most dreaded species: politicians. Everything was finery and extravagance, everything he stood against as a simple Jedi. _Simple-minded, more like_ , Palpatine thought as he took in his apartment. He had earned every bit of this through blood, sweat, and tears.

Of course, Palpatine reflected thoughtfully… most of that came from other beings, but he had done the work. Why should he not enjoy the fruits of his labor?

In the end, Luke got his way, and the four of them gathered around the table in Palpatine's dining room, staring down at the garishly designed gameboard. Then Luke disappeared back into the guest bedroom to find something else, though no one could make out exactly what. Obi-Wan shrugged and slunk off in pursuit.

Palpatine suppressed a long-suffering sigh; Sweetland was perhaps his least favorite game of all, due in no small part to the fact that he never managed to win it, young or old. Give him dejarik or holochess and half a dozen other games that drew the most brilliant minds, and he could overpower them all.

Give him Sweetland, and he routinely lost. Which, come to think of it, had to be impossible since the game was based entirely on chance. The laws of probability should have intervened by now. Leia reached over and pressed the bright red gungan figure into his hand. "I'm gween," she beamed up at him. "You're red. Like Fett Day."

"It's Fete," he automatically corrected, "and it happens to be a series of festivals. Red and green are not the only colors included…" he trailed off. She had pulled herself up into his lap and tugged one of his voluminous dark sleeves closer as an impromptu security blanket. In the Force, he could feel her exhaustion from the day's events.

He saved himself the lecture with a low sigh, shifted her bony knee away from his ribs, and watched Obi-Wan Kenobi attempt to corral Luke just beyond the dining room, who showed no signs of slowing down. "A couple games, Luke, and then we have to go to bed," he heard the Jedi Master cajoling. Was that…frustration he heard in the genteel Jedi?

Palpatine smiled.

The smile disappeared when Kenobi finally got Luke into his seat and the game commenced.

"There is no skill at all in this game," Palpatine protested barely ten minutes later as Kenobi took his piece and moved it back to the start of the board. "Pure blind chance."

"Well, whether you believe in luck or not, Chancellor," Kenobi drawled, "You seem to have less of it than I do." He nodded at his own piece, which was nearly to the end of the board. Luke's piece seemed to jump at random all over the board; three year olds were not the best counters to be found. Leia's piece sat stubbornly on the starting block, as she had almost instantly fallen asleep under the warmth of his sleeve.

After three rounds of the Gungan-designed game ( _go figure_ ), Palpatine wondered if he had died of sheer boredom and entered the Netherworld. He honestly didn't believe it existed, but now… The only thing that had him convinced he still lived was Obi-Wan Kenobi's pained silence across from him, his misery a soothing balm. The Sith afterlife would never accept that self-righteous, straight-laced do-gooder.

Palpatine's right arm and leg were nearly numb where Leia lay draped over him like a limp Mandalorian noodle, snoring quietly, but still he didn't move her. After all, it wouldn't do to show anything less than utter selflessness in front of the Jedi scum. The mild-mannered Chancellor certainly would never think of Anakin's charming offspring as agents of Chaos.

But each day, Sidious did more and more.

Take the moment for example. By simply existing in time and space, Leia had rendered inert the most powerful of all Sith Lords. She yawned, and a thin stream of drool trailed across the wrist of his robes and onto his hand. He was not grossed out. He was not.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOO

 **He is. He totally is. There's the key to defeating him, Jedi Order. You're welcome.**

 **Evidently we Sith have trouble with Candyland, no matter its incarnation. Thanks for all your lovely reviews/favs/follows, and let me know what you thought of the latest chapter!**


	6. Oh Darth, Darth, Wherefore Art Thou?

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Chapter 6: Oh Darth, Darth, Wherefore Art Thou, Darth?

With an inexplicable energy, Leia woke up the minute the last game finished, and she launched out of Palpatine's lap like the ancient Sith Lords were after her minuscule soul. Rubbing ruefully at his numb leg muscles, Palpatine really didn't like the gleam in her large eyes as she scrambled to the floor.

Evidently, neither did Kenobi. "Well now," he said brightly, "It looks like it's time for bed, younglings."

His preventative measure fell flat. Leia shook her head, propping her hands on her hips. "Wanna 'venture first."

Kenobi's brows furrowed as he tried to decipher her intention.

"Bit late for an adventure, don't you think?" Palpatine hedged, and the two adults exchanged cautious glances.

"I wanna watch a holovid," she said.

Luke lit up from where he lay draped over the table and game. "Me too!"

"Well, Chancellor?" Obi-Wan Kenobi looked at him, a faint gleam of satisfaction in his calm Jedi eyes. The Jedi was clearly on the hunt for revenge.

It did not require foresight to see the outcome of this moment, so Palpatine folded and counted his losses, pointing Leia to his state-of-the-art Holonet display and speaker system in his living room. The tiny Skywalker quickly pounced on the remote and flipped through a list of available entertainment, mostly historical films and documentaries. Palpatine considered himself a well-grounded individual.

While Leia checked the system and Luke packed up Sweetland with Obi-Wan, Palpatine pulled out his private comlink and surreptitiously checked his messages. Three from Sarcev Quest (the last ending in a rather desperate plea – was that a woman's voice in the background?), seven from Sly Moore asking for meeting confirmations, and two from Pestage. Those two puzzled him, as he had never before heard of a Wookie's fur falling out due to an allergic reaction to Naboo blossom wine. He would have to rethink his diplomatic gifts to Kashyyyk in the future.

He had just begun to compose a reply to his operative when Leia announced the winning holovid.

The story was romantic and cloying, and something that Palpatine, normally a patron of the arts, thoroughly despised. Unfortunately, it was a classic, and Leia quickly fell in love with the bright coloring of the holovid's poster. "Sith and Jedi" revealed a scandalous love story between two members of the opposing factions back during the time of the Old Republic. The main love triangle developed amid a backdrop of prejudice, daring lightsaber fights (with completely unrealistic choreography, Palpatine sneered), and dark comedy.

Fanciful drivel, Palpatine thought, but the work had been translated into plays, operas, and holovids all over the galaxy and was considered one of the finest pieces of literature to come from the Core Worlds. And it did contain impressive work with the language and style. The younglings might not be harmed from a bit of exposure to high culture.

The holovid would have been a perfect success too, allowing Palpatine to escape to his work for a blessed hour or two, if Leia and Luke had not insisted that Palpatine and Kenobi watch it with them. Palpatine found himself on the couch next to Kenobi, holding a bundle of squirming Leia in his lap and wishing he could be anywhere else. Even in the Jedi Council chambers making a report to that glaringly poor excuse of a Jedi master, Mace Windu. Next to him, Kenobi stared resignedly at the holoprojector as it warmed up, the other twin in his own arms, though unlike Leia the boy was contently curled in the crook of the Jedi's arm.

The holovid passed quickly, full of explosions and proclamations of love. He grinned when the main couple kissed, because Leia sent up a baleful sound of disgust each time and pulled the wide drape of his sleeve over her eyes. _Already she is learning._ Luke just stared harder at the screen. _Not hopeless, but close to it._ He snuck a glance at Kenobi and almost snickered when he saw how intently the Jedi master was watching while attempting to appear uninterested.

With a small break for snacks and drinks and the refresher, the film wrapped up an hour and a half later. Palpatine looked at the holoclock over his display. The night was no longer young.

He opened his mouth to announce bedtime, and Luke leapt up from Kenobi's lap.

"Let's be them!" The tiny boy shouted with a grin. "I wanna be Darth Amor. Leia, you be Mas'ser Dessy."

Leia grinned and wriggled down from the couch. "Yeah! I wanna lightsaber! An' a happy ending!"

Palpatine sighed. So much for picking up on the finer points of culture. The deaths of Darth Amor and Master Destiny had been the point of the entire production. Younglings these days: all action and romance and no rational thought. However, this idea of Luke's might distract them sufficiently to –

Luke pointed a small finger at both of the men in turn. "Obi, you be Count Theed. Palpy, you be Dessy's cousin Ty."

A brash Jedi? Palpatine smothered a dry snicker. How delightful. If he had to suffer, at least he could enjoy himself with a few well-placed barbs. Kenobi's eyes widened in his pale face as Luke rummaged around in his travel bag and pulled out several toy lightsticks, pressing a bright green one into Palpatine's hand and giving Kenobi a blue one.

"Woe is me," Palpatine said, staring down at the small lightstick in his hand. "I am an impulsive, socially repressed young Jedi with an irrational, mindless hatred for my enemy that is going to get me killed."

Leia giggled from her newly claimed spot on top of the couch, the rather unimpressive "Jedi Temple."

Kenobi frowned. "That's not exactly portraying the Jedi in your usual benevolent light, Chancellor."

Palpatine offered a thin-lipped, innocent smile. "Merely playing the role I have been assigned, Master…Theed. It's the character."

Kenobi sighed. "This play is completely inaccurate and unfair to the reputation of the Jedi Order."

"No one is safe from high art, not even the Jedi," Palpatine told him, appreciating the small wince, and turned to Luke. "Now defend yourself, Darth Amor. I have slain your friend Sith and shall now destroy you."

"I'm gonna 'venge my friend!" Luke squealed with laughter – _most_ unbecoming of a dignified Sith Lord – and darted forward, his lightstick clacking off the edge of Palpatine's and bouncing enthusiastically out of his small hands. Giggling, he chased it down the main hallway.

"Now that you mention it," Kenobi smiled as he watched Luke go. "I seem to recall a most interesting political cartoon on the Holonet this morning, regarding you and an old expression about the corruption of absolute power."

"I would not personally consider political cartoons as high art," Palpatine rejoined, voice shimmersilk smooth. "Perhaps we should see about getting you some exposure to authentic experiences."

"Oh," Obi-Wan said, his tone deceptively mild, "I've have quite enough authentic experiences to last me, particularly when it comes to politics and Core culture."

"Have you? I imagine it must be rather overwhelming to a Jedi's sensibilities," Palpatine offered a tight little smile as Luke launched back into sight with a tiny war cry. The Chancellor remained very careful, keeping his movements and reactions those of an older man entertaining a clumsy child. Yet even as he did, he gauged Luke's reaction time and foot stances, critiquing and evaluating. _Anakin, have you taught him nothing? He's like a nest of gundarks tied together and going seven different directions._ He was only three, but still. Some started earlier.

He couldn't very well give pointers now, not with Kenobi watching on the sidelines. And he couldn't defend himself indefinitely either. He dropped his guard.

"Bam!" Luke shouted without warning, his lightstick jabbing forward and poking Palpatine in the ribs. "You're dead, Jedi!"

"No!" Leia cried from her spot on the couch.

The Chancellor felt a twinge of satisfaction at the joy he felt from Luke and the despair from Leia. "So I am," he said, dropping the green lightstick and folding his arms in front of himself. "The Sith Lord has defeated me. How dreadful."

Leia's expression was quickly changing from horrified to indignant as she slid down from the couch and padded over to him. "But you don' die standing up," she told him when the "corpse" continued to remain on its own two feet. Palpatine glanced at her and then Luke; both stared and waited, expecting him to continue the game to its grisly end.

Kenobi's chuckle broke the long silence. "They're right, you know. Do you need help to the floor, 'Master Ty'?"

Palpatine glared. _I could put a hole through your heart with my lightsaber in less than a second, pup. Don't patronize me._ Instead, he smiled. "I suppose I can manage."

He sat down graciously on the plush carpet and was surprised when Leia reached out and shoved him insistently onto his back. She knelt over him and sniffed loudly. "Cousin! He killed you!" Then she leaned closer and stage-whispered, "Look more dead!"

Palpatine sighed. _What, pray tell, am I supposed to do?_ He'd played dead several times during his apprenticeship, but the circumstances had been much more motivational then. Deadly space pirates, feuding clans, disappointed politicians… and blood made excellent camouflage, but blood tended to upset children. Leia poked him in the chest again, and so he went completely limp, rolling his eyes up in their sockets.

"Thas' better," she pronounced, satisfied. "Darth Amo', you killed him!"

Luke grinned. "That's 'cause we're secretly married! Now we gotta kiss!"

Leia's face scrunched up in pure horror. "What?! No! Ew! Boys have cooties!"

Luke grew very solemn and pointed at Obi-Wan Kenobi, who was quietly choking back his laughter. "It's me or Count Theed."

"Go kiss a wookie," Leia snarled.

Kenobi coughed and stepped forward. "Now, now, younglings, I think we should take it down a notch or two here."

From his place on the floor, Palpatine watched as the tiny, furious, and denied Darth Amor challenged the Count to a duel. It went much the same as before, and Kenobi soon joined him in death.

"So much for the Negotiator," Palpatine couldn't resist whispering.

Kenobi's glare lasted only a moment before it was eclipsed by Leia's. "Shhh! You're supposed to be dead. No talkin'!" Both adults looked properly chastened and fell silent.

Kiss temporarily forgotten, Luke exclaimed excitedly, "Now we kill ourselves!"

The little eyebrows shot high on her forehead. "Why?"

"For love!"

She thought for a long pause. Then: "Thas' stupid."

"It's the story," Luke protested, eying the two men on the floor. "Everybody dies."

"Then there wouldn' be a story," Leia retorted. She patted Palpatine's shoulder. "Sorry you died."

 _I'll manage somehow, I'm sure._ The Chancellor watched her cross over to her despondent twin. No such platitudes for Master Kenobi, he noticed with a wry grin. From the sour look on Kenobi's face, he had also taken note.

Leia took her brother's hand. "Let's just go on more 'ventures, Luke. Don' need a dumb story."

For a moment after the twins skipped out of sight down the hall, the politician and Jedi remained in place, staring at the ceiling and studiously avoiding each other's gaze.

"What did we just experience?" Kenobi asked quietly.

Palpatine felt his lip curling with disgust and quickly changed it to a smile as he sat up. He had no intention of engaging the Jedi master in inane discussion. "It defies explanation, Master Kenobi. Let's leave it at that and speak no more of this."

Kenobi thought hard and stuck out his hand. "Agreed."

Palpatine shook it briefly with all the enthusiasm of a Muun accepting a tax audit. He would not admit that he felt a twinge in his back when he pulled himself off the floor. He certainly refused to acknowledge Obi-Wan Kenobi's insufferable smirk as the younger Jedi smoothly bounced back to his feet.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

 **Okay, so I admit it, I enjoy most of Shakespeare's works, but Romeo and Juliet isn't one of them. Poor "Count Paris" and "Tybalt…" I also rather want to adopt Leia, but then again she's a little scary already. ;) I have so enjoyed all your reviews, so thank you. Let me know what you guys thought of this latest chapter, and tune in next time for a bedtime story.**


	7. In Which Palpatine Finds His Limits

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Chapter 7: In Which Palpatine Finds His Limit

Palpatine looked at the holoclock and sighed. Were younglings created every generation to go with less sleep each time? Leia chose that moment to scramble past, squealing as Luke pursued her with his glowstick.

Or rather, she tried to. Moving with a swiftness that belied his age, Palpatine launched up from the couch, startling a half-asleep Obi-Wan Kenobi, and snagged her in a midair leap for the armrest. He dangled her in front of him, trying for a serious expression. She looked ridiculous, wearing one of her mother's old headdresses that she had clearly smuggled into her overnight luggage. He faintly remembered that one; Padme had looked just as ridiculous at the time, but no one made fun of the Queen of Naboo. Not out loud, at least.

Leia wriggled like a sandworm in his grasp. He eyed her.

"And now, young Skywalker," he said sternly, "you will go to bed."

"Noooooooooo," Leia half-whined, half-giggled.

"Oh, I'm afraid so. I've indulged your antics long enough. Look at Master Kenobi," he rotated her to take in the Jedi, who was circumspectly wiping a thin line of spittle from the corner of his beard. "You've worn the poor man out. Don't you know he has a war to win?" _Good luck with that, Master Jedi._

She looked at him and then shrugged. "He was sleeping."

"And so you should be, soon." He carried her in the direction of the guest rooms. "Come along, Luke. You're going too."

They must have finally reached their breaking points, because Luke voluntarily fetched their vibrobrushes from their luggage. He watched them from the door of the bathroom as they struggled to clean their teeth and pondered how his life had ever reached this point.

Fortunately or not, Palpatine barely had time to process his burgeoning existential crisis. "Leia, get back in there and rinse properly. You don't go to bed looking like a rabid vine tiger."

She bared her teeth at him cheerfully, foam dripping on the immaculate tile floor. He gingerly turned her by the shoulder and gave her a gentle push in the direction of the sinks.

Luke obediently rinsed and disappeared into the internal refresher with his pajamas tucked under his tiny arm. He didn't reemerge. After a time and while Leia was changing in her room, Palpatine tapped tentatively on the door panel. "Luke?" He carefully pushed it open, and there was the boy curled on the plush rug in front of the shower, in his one-piece wookie pajamas. He peered up at Palpatine with bleary eyes. "I'm tired..."

"Really?" It was amazing; once younglings decided they were tired, there was no stopping the progression.

"Here, Chancellor, allow me," Obi-Wan Kenobi offered from behind, appearing in the door frame, and the Jedi master stooped down and scooped up the small fuzzy bundle. "I'll get him settled."

"Much appreciated," Palpatine said as he watched them go. He should probably ensure that Leia was accounted for. He found her in her bed, chatting nonsense to a small stuffed Gungan. She clutched it close when he arrived and waved him over.

"Bedtime story! Bedtime story!"

He eased himself onto the edge of the mattress and studied his future apprentice. "A bedtime story?" he repeated. "I'm afraid I don't know any bedtime stories, Leia."

"Didn' anyone ever tell you a bedtime story?" Leia asked, looking up at him with disgustingly large brown eyes.

The innocent question left a slightly sour taste in his mouth, and he settled for a quick shake of his head. "I'm afraid I was not that fortunate." He thought back to Convergence and the Lake Country, a storybook setting if ever there was one, lacking only the appropriate temperaments. _That_ was an understatement.

Her tiny face screwed up in deep thought. "They shoulda. But thas' okay, you can just make one up."

Palpatine appraised her closely, noting how her eyelids were beginning to droop along the edges. "And if I do, will you promise to sleep?"

"Yeah," she yawned.

"Then we have a deal. Let me think for a moment…"

He searched his memory of the many books he had read over the years, and came up with very little that would be appropriate for tender ears. Of course, he also hadn't read a novel for nearly a decade, and he didn't really think political treatises or arcane Sith disquisitions would appeal to Leia's definition of "bedtime stories." But, now that he thought about it, perhaps he did have story to tell. A biography…of sorts.

He crossed one leg at the knee as he perched on the edge of the mattress and called on his most dramatic Senate voice, the one he used on the poor idiots when they were not sufficiently swayed to his causes. "Once upon a time, there lived a smart and crafty Sith Lord."

Leia interrupted him. "Was he big and scary looking?"

Palpatine glanced in the reflective panel on the closet doors. Actually, the Sith Lord looked more tired than scary, but he had better cover his bases. "Why not?" he sighed. "The Sith Lord was very big and very scary. He was at least twenty meters tall."

"Thas' silly," Leia protested.

"Who's telling this story, me or you?"

That silenced her for a moment, and he leaned back and brushed a hand through his silver hair. "Now, this Sith Lord knew a young Jedi, and he wanted him for his apprentice, but the Jedi managed to escape every time he set the trap." He couldn't completely help the low growl in the back of his throat.

It must have added to the story, because Leia's eyes got huge. "But thas' good, right?"

"From a certain point of view," he muttered. A particularly loathsome one, at that. "The Sith Lord knew he had to – "

"Old," Leia suddenly announced. "Make him old."

He stared at her.

She giggled and fluffed the covers at him. "Like reaaaaally old, like fiffy."

Palpatine ignored the twinge of indignation. "I'll do better yet. This Sith Lord was immortal, for he had discovered the keys to life and death." _Chew on that one, little Skywalker_. After all, Anakin's persistent ignorance had re-motivated Palpatine to urgently pick up Plagueis' research in the last several years, and the results were quite… illuminating. At least his hair was no longer thinning, and the scar between his thumb and index finger where Leia had bit him clear through a year ago was nearly gone.

Leia's large eyes squinted. "What's imm – immor? What's that?"

Palpatine grinned. _Just the best thing to ever happen to any Sith, that's all._ "Immortal means you live forever, my dear girl."

She thought about it for a long time, her tiny face scrunching up into a bundle of skepticism. Finally she blurted out, "That would be boring."

"Give it time," he snorted. "You are young. And cease these attempts to stall. You should have been asleep hours ago."

Leia beamed up at him. Impudent little whelp, he thought half-fondly, and then mentally slapped himself. _Focus._

"What happened?"

"To the Sith Lord? Well, he continued to set trap after trap, until one day he devised a terrible scheme with which to ensnare the unwary Jedi," he raised both eyebrows significantly and paused, and Leia wiggled excitedly. "He promised the Jedi the darkest gift ever imaginable."

"Cookies!" Leai squealed, caught up in the story and unable to resist.

Well, he had been about to say "absolute power," but on second thought… He was flexible. "Naturally. The most succulent, tender, sucrose-infused delicacies the galaxy had ever witnessed. The Jedi and his entire family fell to the power of the Sith Lord's offer, and eventually the entire galaxy." He glanced at the holoclock. "The end."

"It really ends like that?" Leia's mouth hung open, a thin, sleepy string of drool sliding down her chin in spite of her desperate attempts to stay awake.

Palpatine adopted a suitably somber expression. "Unfortunately, my dear girl, not all stories have happy endings."

Leia thought hard and then brightened. "But the Sith did."

Well now. _That_ was interesting. "You know," he lied, getting up from the edge of the mattress, "I've never thought about it like that before. Goodnight, Leia, and stay in bed this time."

"Wait! Gotta kiss GuGu," she held the stuffed Gungan high.

Palpatine was a seasoned Sith Lord; he had waded through the blood of his enemies, leapt into the most dangerous situations, and made small talk with countless, equally small-minded Senators. He had even played dead on the floor of his own apartment.

He drew the line at kissing stuffed Gungans.

He didn't want to imagine what sort of microscopic ecosystem existed on the monstrosity, so he patted the soft, balding head and searched for an excuse. "GuGu…" – how it hurt to say it – "…only likes kisses from little younglings," he told her.

GuGu retreated under the covers. "Oh. Okay. Go'night," she murmured, her large brown eyes drifting shut as she pulled the covers up around her tiny chin.

He was almost to the door when a tiny voice called: "I love you, Palpy."

Palpatine smiled. He told himself it was simply because he was impressed by the level of emotional manipulation she had already reached at her tender age.

He certainly didn't care what she thought about him.

As he dimmed the lights and slipped quietly into the hallway, he reflected that if Skywalker didn't turn to the Dark Side for a few more years, it might not be completely unbearable. At least, not as much as he once thought.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

 **Oh dear, fluff. How did that get in there? Out, fluff, out, I say!**

 **And Leia's not quite done with him yet. Stay tuned for the final chapter/epilogue.**

 **Well, what did you folks think? Leave a review!**

 **I don't know about you guys, but I've enjoyed torturing my muse. It goes without saying that he's less than pleased with my writing lately, so I've decided to throw him a bone and start up a story that might provide him with some entertainment. Check it out. It's an AU called "Fathers and Sons."**


	8. Holopics are Worth a Thousand Words

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Epilogue: Holopics are Worth a Thousand Words

An hour later, Palpatine found himself falling into a slightly more familiar pattern, studying endless Senate requests and formal injunctions that he needed to authorize. The mindless repetition was soothing, but more so the absence of tiny voices lifted in merriment. A steaming mug of herbal tea sat at his side on the obsidian-lacquered desktop.

Sometimes, he truly wondered at the wisdom of his actions, tolerating the tiny terrors as he did, indulging their industrious mayhem. Still, both of the children nearly blinded him with their Force potential. As the reigning Sith Lord of the galaxy, it would be remiss of him to let such opportunity pass.

He pulled up a five hundred page discourse on the proper allocation of funds to the Outer Rim's refugees and was settling in for the long haul when a tiny knock rapped against the open frame of his office. Palpatine looked up to find Leia shyly standing in the door, one of the blankets wrapped around her head and shoulders and clutching GuGu tightly to her chest.

Unbelievable.

"I thought we had a deal, young one," he rumbled in soft warning, ignoring the growing headache behind his eyes.

Leia remained unfazed. "I tried. I couldn' sleep."

Palpatine raised both eyebrows high. "And what are you expecting me to do about that?"

Leia brightened, sidling into the office and glancing around her. "Mama sings to me."

Palpatine stiffened. "Out of the question."

Leia shrugged. She settled directly in front of the desk and peered up at him with bleary eyes. "Papa holds me."

"At three years of age, aren't you a little old for such things?" Palpatine tilted his head. Why would anyone want to be held, to be restricted like that? He certainly couldn't remember any such foolish desire in his own childhood.

"No," Leia said simply.

He stared at her.

She stared at him. "Hold me?"

"Utter foolishness," he muttered, and she lit up like a miniature sun, tripping sleepily around the corner of the desk and coming to stand at his knee.

"Up?"

He was not arrogant enough to deny his own defeat, but he did acknowledge it with a pained sigh as he set aside the datapad. "Only for a short time, Leia. I have work to do, and the entire galaxy cannot infinitely wait on the whims of a little… little…" She blinked at him. "…lady."

Leia giggled and scrambled up into his lap. The little monster certainly had sharp elbows and knees. "Gonna be queen someday, then they hafta listen."

He almost laughed at her sleepy ambition, her complete self-assurance. What an enterprising little firebrand she was. What a Sith Lady she would be… but first: "Younglings don't become queens unless they learn to sleep when they are supposed to."

In answer, she curled up against his chest, small hand gripping at his collar. He reached awkwardly for his datapad with his free hand and managed it without calling on the Force.

Seventy three pages into the report, and Leia still slumbered on his shoulder, blissfully ignorant of his irritation. And waking her up truly would be more hindrance than help.

 _This is not fair_ , he mused as she resettled and pulled her blanket tighter around her shoulders. He could not call on the Dark Side to keep himself awake, not when she slept so close. He needed to get this paperwork completed. Occasionally he needed to do something relatively charitable to keep up appearances, even though the Outer Rim fools had brought their misery upon themselves by courting the favor of the Separatists.

Two hundred ninety-four pages. Palpatine worked as long as he could.

He felt his eyelids closing, his hand drooping under the weight of the datapad. Just a few moments to collect his thoughts, that was all he required…

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Anakin and Padme smiled at the Red Robes when they pulled up to 500 Republica in the early hours of the morning. As soon as their identities were verified, Padme took off down the long security hallway like a mother narglatch in search of her young. Anakin sighed and strode after her.

"Padme, I'm telling you, don't worry about it. I'm sure they're all absolutely fine," Anakin hissed to his wife as she tapped in a code at the main entrance to the living quarters. He peered over her shoulder, and his eyes widened. "Really? 'Voorpak'? I never thought the Chancellor really liked those little things, not since Leia-"

"Luke got into security and added an alternate passcode," Padme whispered, interrupting him.

"Aww," Anakin grinned, "He got my looks _and_ my skills. I might as well retire from the Jedi Order."

Padme punched him lightly in the shoulder as they stepped into the dimly lit hallway and the door slid shut behind them. The suite was quiet, almost suspiciously so.

"I love my son being tech-savvy and all, but seriously, isn't it against some rule to hack the Chancellor's privates suites?" Anakin asked, trailing behind her down the hallway. "And how does his security team not notice?"

Padme looked entirely too smug. "It's not the main security entry. Besides, there really are some things you shouldn't be teaching him yet. I told you so."

"It's R2's fault!" Anakin protested, but at her rolled eyes, he wisely chose to change the subject. "Hey, you know it's really quiet in here?"

"Nice try," Padme shook her head. "Yes, it's quiet. It's the middle of the night, Ani."

"These are _our_ kids, Padme," Anakin replied, smirking.

She flipped her hair over her shoulder as she strode into the living room. "And whose fault is that, Mr. I-Can't-Breathe-Without-You?"

"Am I ever going to live that down?" Anakin mock-scowled and followed her through the empty room. He could see Luke's board game scattered across the far side, which honestly was a little reassuring. Messes meant normal.

"I'm not really foreseeing that," Padme said, the grin obvious in her voice.

Anakin chuckled. "Getting lippy with a Jedi Knight? You _are_ a brave one." To his disappointment, she evaded his flirtatious reach and moved purposefully into the apartment.

Padme ignored him, now on her mission to locate her children. Luke slumbered in the first guest bedroom, startlingly loud snores emanating from the large bed. Her motherly expression tightened when the second guest room was empty, the bed unmade and rumpled like a small child had clambered out of it.

They located Palpatine's personal office next, and Padme entered first. She stopped with a small giggle, and Anakin craned his neck to see past her.

Palpatine sat in his office chair, silver hair slightly mussed and head tilted back and to the side and clearly asleep, something Anakin had never seen or expected to see. Draped over his left shoulder was a blanket-bundled Naboo princess, also sound asleep and snoring softly, tiny hands clutching at his shoulder and the small stuffed Gungan, drool seeping into the expensive robes beneath. The two of them looked like they had been there for some time already.

"Well, that's something else," Anakin grinned, choking back a loud chortle. "Still got the holocam?"

"Anakin, behave yourself," Padme shoved his shoulder without any heat, smiling widely as well behind a demure hand. "Poor man. You know how he despises drool." She bit her lip in indecision. "Should we wake them up?"

Anakin blinked. "I don't know about the Chancellor, but wake up Leia? After she's been asleep?"

Padme blinked back. "You're right. Not a good idea. So what's yours?"

The smile that beamed back at her was decidedly un-Jedi-like. "I noticed a nice couch a few rooms back."

Padme slowly backed out of the room. "Lead the way then, intrepid defender of the weak and sleepy."

They located said couch in the living room and settled on the far right end, the end that was not covered in multiple lightsticks. Padme leaned into his shoulder and drew up her knees to her chest, ignoring the wrinkles that were already forming in her expensive gown.

"Happy anniversary, Padme," Anakin whispered into her ear.

She didn't answer for the longest time. Then: "Are we getting old, Anakin?" Padme murmured sleepily against his chest. "We partied without the kids all night, and I'm still exhausted like I chased Luke and Leia the whole time."

"We're only as old as we think we are," Anakin started to say, and then he made the connection. "Well, now I know why Palpatine was sleeping." He laughed softly and kissed the top of Padme's hair as she cuddled into him. "The Senate can't stop him, the war can't shut him off, but our kids singlehandedly brought down the head of our government. That's quite a feat at the age of three."

"Anakin?" Padme murmured.

"Yeah?"

"Go to sleep."

"Fine." A long pause. "Padme?"

A sigh. " _What_ , Anakin?"

"Are you sure we can't take a picture?"

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

 **And the main story wraps up with…More fluff. I think I'm trying to get it out of my system. :) Obi-Wan must have managed to escape earlier in the night, either that or he's crashed out under the kitchen table after uncovering Palpatine's Naboo blossom wine collection.**

 **I'm thinking of adding some end chapters of random one-shots from this AU universe. Would you all be interested in something of that sort?**

 **Apologies for any typos within, and leave a review if you can! I hope you enjoyed this silly little story.**


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